I received a question this week from one of my fans: "What do you think of people who let their pets run their lives?"

First of all, I am a little confused at this question. Pets are the best thing in the world! People get pets because their existence is sad and meaningless without pets.

Once people get a pet, their world is bright and happy again! It's like rainbows and unicorns every day! Life can not possibly be better when people get pets.

Unless that pet is a stupid cat. Then you can disregard everything I just said.  

My people mentioned that Ben Franklin invented electricity. Something about a kite. I didn't get it.

Anyway, electricity makes all kinds of power tools possible. While you people might think they are useful (blah, blah, blah), I say they make entirely too much noise and they interrupt what would otherwise be an enjoyable adventure.

When my people take me out for my walk, I start out sniffing around enjoying nature. 99% of the time, my walk is interrupted by some loud leaf destroyer or grass machete or other monstrosity that destroys my hood!

And if it wasn't for Ben Franklin, those noises wouldn't exist. I hate that guy. 

Some people think that I don't have many thoughts. They think dogs in general have not a care in the world. That's just not true. I care about a lot of things.

First of all, every day I worry about the doorbell ringing. I saw on TV that dogs are supposed to fear the doorbell. A doorbell rings and the dog barks. The dogs on TV always say "Get the heck out of here or I will bite your head off!!" I am not so brave though.

Thankfully, my people don't understand dog language, so they don't know what I really say. When I hear a doorbell, my people hear me bark and think I am brave. What I really say is, "Please go away! If you come in, I will be forced to run under the bed and hide and my people will know that I am not brave!!!"

Every day I live in fear that whoever rings that door speaks dog and will not be afraid of my bark.

So far it hasn't happened. Oh wait. I probably shouldn't have shared that on the internet. Uh oh. Must hide. I'll be under the bed if you need me.

My people buy me all kinds of toys. I think they are trying to buy my love. I'm ok with it. Little do they know that I love them anyway. Please don't tell them that. I do like the toys. Not to mention it helps me with my emergency plan.

Every dog has an emergency plan. We must be prepared in case of a home invasion. People think we are good for stopping those types of things. Well, I have an emergency plan and I'm going to share it with you.

I like to drag my toys under the bed. They are various sizes of stuffed animals. Some of them are just as big as me. My people wonder why I bring them all under the bed, never to be seen again. They call that place "The Island of Misfit Toys."

I like to call it my "Survival Den." In the event of a home invasion, I will quietly hide under the bed and play dead. The invader will mistake me for one of the toys and I will be left alone, unharmed.

My people are on their own. But that's our little secret. Please don't tell them. I'll deny it and then you'll just look stupid. Like the cat. And no one wants to be a cat.

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